I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.
Tracee Ellis Ross
It is a learning process, you know, mining through all the muck inside yourself to find the gold glimmers of truth and gumption. But that’s what I have been doing, and while it has left me tired, I am glad I put in the work.
Real talk: I just wish I didn’t have to do it so often.
It’s just… the muck builds up so quickly, and the upkeep is long, mindful work. And I have other work to do–you know, work and cleaning house and yelling at the puppy for chasing the cat and cooking dinner and working out and sometimes doing things with friends–and by the time I turn around, well, let’s just say it’s hard to see anything that glitters underneath the mess that I let pile up.
I’ve got to mine through doubts and fears, insecurities that have yet to be addressed, lies that need to be replaced with truth, scrape off rusts of mistrust and uncertainty. The gold is in there, I know it.
Real talk: I need a new plan.
I mean, there’s got to be a way for me to be more mindful of the things that plague my own mind.
It hit me yesterday when I was legitimately giving myself a pep talk just to turn off Netflix: perhaps I should stop adding to the noise. I’m afraid of silence. I’m afraid of thinking. I’m afraid of cleaning out the clutter. Because, let’s face it, watching re-runs of “Friends” and “How I Met Your Mother” is a lot easier.
In a frenzied frustration with myself, I decided if it was THAT painful for me just to turn off Netflix, drastic measures were needed. So I deleted my Facebook and Tumblr apps off my phone.
Real talk: that social media detox lasted about 10 minutes. (I absolutely needed to post a picture of Azula with bubbles on her head, so I put them back on my phone. UGH, social media is like crack.) And here I am tonight, sitting and writing this, wanting to work on some of the characters in this new story I would like to think I’m working on, but I just can’t seem to turn SNL off because, wait, Jennifer Lawrence hosts this one, so just one more, and then…
Real talk: I can’t call myself a writer and not write. Right?! Right.
It’s time to read more books, write more words, think more thoughts, and feel more feelings. Time to recalibrate and realign myself with the word I chose for the year: mindful. Because I got shit to do, y’all. Kids to teach, words to write, books to read, and I should probably try to have friends and stuff, too.
Real talk: life is so hard to keep in balance.